How to Build an Inferior Startup
Easily accessible open source scripts and rapid application development tools let anyone get on the startup bandwagon. Even with limited technical knowledge, you can get your startup up and running in no time.
If you have no idea how to code, simply get your development outsourced by posting a pathetic $100 project on Elance. You can then use Docstoc to download a business plan to modify. Top everything off with a flashy PowerPoint presentation full of of big numbers and colorful graphs and you got yourself a “startup.” Now all you need is a $4.00 a month hosting plan from GoDaddy and you are ready to launch!
Once your “beta” is live, its time to market the product. Your should start by spamming the TechCrunch inbox about how awesome your company is. If you get no response, move on to spamming TechCrunch comments. To do this properly, you have to publicly bitch at Arrington for not wanting to write about your pathetic startup. If he skips over your startup to write about a competitor, you have to post a heartfelt emotional comment crying about how much better your company is than the competitor and how no one including Arrington will ever understand what your company is capable of.
After being ignored by TechCrunch, you have to rent a motivational movie like Astronaut Farmer to get fired up. If Billy Bob can build a space rocket at his farm, you can do anything in the world! After watching the film a few times, you should listen to your favorite motivational song “I Believe I Can Fly.” Now that you are pumped up and ready to get your startup off the ground, prepare to meet some very important people in the industry and make connections!
Before you can start networking, don’t forget to order some free business cards from VistaPrint. Once you have your business cards, start registering for as many tech meetups as possible. You will fit right in when you attend these meetups. Most of the “entrepreneurs” at these meetups will want to make some sort of partnership with you. You will generally exchange free VistaPrint business cards with other wannabes at the meetups. You will also spend a lot of time speaking gibberish about how large your market is and how much money can be made and how big your IPO will be and how your company is valued at $10 million pre-money. You may even run into a VC or two who seem interested but in reality would not fund your startup if their life depended on it.
Now that you have built a name for yourself in the industry, you should shift focus back on your site which is getting two visits a day. To increase visits, you have to start spamming forums and blogs. You also need to join MySpace and create a company profile. You even have to consider paying bloggers to write about your company since no one in their right mind would do it for free. Eventually your site will start getting around 15 visits a day. 15 visits a day definitely means its time to raise funding. That much growth in less than a month is unheard of!
Thanks to all the tech meetup events, you now have a network of mentors to refer to when its time to make business decisions. According to your wannabe entrepreneur buddies, raising VC money will be easy because you have dominated the market. All you have to do is refine your Docstoc business plan (don’t forget to take the original company’s name out) and send it out to VCs. You will be living large in no time!
Unsurprisingly enough, every VC you send a business plan to will laugh at it and throw it aside. They are trained to spot companies like your startup. They know the difference between a real company and a junker.
Once you get rejected by every VC, you need to start posting funding requests on useless funding sites like raisecapital.com. You will eventually get delusional and wake up every morning hoping to see some good news in your inbox. Your userbase will eventually stop growing, you will have no funding, and you will finally realize that starting the company was a bad idea.
You will end up listing your site for sale on eBay or SitePoint and get under $500.00 for it because what you built was not a startup company. It was just another useless website.