28 OF THE FUNNIEST AMAZON.COM REVIEWS
Amit Chowdhry | Tuesday December 15, 2009 | 101,189 views28. Perky Pet 203CP Pinch Waist Glass Hummingbird Feeder, 8 oz capacity
By Bartok Kinski
This double set, humming bird acquifier and ant feeder is a wonderful addition to any senior citizen’s home. Sitting in your air conditioned porch and watching birds of all distinction taste the syrupy flavor that comes out of the spout will make anyone go wild, unless you are blind.
27. Motorola HS-850 Bluetooth Headset (OEM)
By The Amazin’ Amazon Guy
THANKS TO BLUETOOTH YOUR EARTHLINGS NOW RESEMBLE ME. I NOW BLEND INTO YOUR EARTH SOCIETY AFTER BEING OBJECT OF EARTH RIDICULE FROM EARTHLINGS FOR MANY EARTH YEARS BECAUSE OF COMMUNICATION DEVICE WITH BLINKING BLUE LIGHT ATTACHED TO RIGHT EAR.
BLUETOOTH NOW NOT ONLY MAKES ME APPEAR SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE BUT ALSO GIVES ME APPEARANCE OF BEING EAGER YOUNG EARTH BUSINESSMAN. SOME ON EARTH HAVE CHRISTENED ME “GO-GETTER”. NOT ONE OF YOUR EARTHLINGS HAS YET QUESTIONED COMMUNICATION DEVICE WITH BLINKING BLUE LIGHT ATTACHED TO RIGHT EAR SINCE AVAILABLITY OF BLUETOOTH. I COMMUNICATE WITH LEADER OF BEEZAR SEVEN WHILE GIVING APPEARANCE OF COMMUNICATING WITH SUPERVISOR IN NEXT BUILDING.
I AM NOW ABLE TO WALK UNSUSPECTED IN YOUR PLACES OF BUSINESS. I AM ALSO FINALLY ABLE TO PURCHASE MANY THOUSANDS OF YOUR CIRCUS PEANUTS WITHOUT DIFFICULTY. MATING WITH YOUR FEMALES IS NOW DISTINCT POSSIBILITY. PLANET BEEZAR SEVEN OWES DEBT OF GRATITUDE TO BLUETOOTH FOR ENABLING SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE OF BEEZARIANS ON PLANET EARTH.
26. Jesus Action Figure Deluxe
By Mojo
At first I admit I was skeptical when searching for a new friend for Barbie, but now I am delighted to have stumbled across such a masterpiece.
The distinction of this doll compared to Ken dolls is astounding. Deluxe Jesus stands a whopping three-quarters of an inch taller than that puny “Go to the Beach Ken” doll. DJ is to Abercrombie as Ken is to Baby Gap. When I stood them next to each other and aimed my personal desk fan at them, Deluxe Jesus stood firm while Ken was swept away. The sun-through-a-magnifying glass test put a hole right through Ken, but DJ was unaffected, as if his own father created the Sun.
The quality of this item is undisputable. It is waterproof and comes with fake bread loaves and fake fish (perfect for fake meals!!) Great for adults and kids alike. Deluxe Jesus: The new Ken. A must buy!!
25. Radio Controlled Rat- The Rotten Rodent
By Bartok Kinski
While I was staying in a barn in Russia, I bought some of these with me. Unfortunately one of the farm hands, who was drunk at the time, smashed it to pieces with a hammer because he thought it was a real rat.
Fun to use when you are bored or dream of dead rats.
24. It Hurts When I Poop!
By Hoffman
I’m 31 years old and have been afraid of pooping my whole life. Now after reading this book I go six or seven times a day, usually laughing joyously throughout the entire experience.
23. Graco Pack ‘n Play Playard in Bugs Quilt
By Hoffman
My kid hates this. The bugs are almost as big as her. It’s like she’s trapped in a nightmare. I just use it as a punishment device when she’s bad now. Or when I need a good laugh.
22. Foggy Mountain HotMoose
By GC
I would like to dedicate this review to the memory of my beloved cousin/half-brother Billy C. If this review saves just one life, his untimely death will not have been in vain.
Billy was never the smartest, but he was kind and had a wicked sense of humor. He was always joking around with my other cousins and brothers, and playing pranks on the rest of the family.
My uncle was preparing to take some of the boys on a hunting trip, and had sent Billy out to the garage to gather up some supplies. Billy found a bottle of HotMoose in my uncle’s garage with some of his other hunting supplies.
Being unable to read past a 2nd grade level and having little to no ability to think critically about that which he did read, he took one look at the attractive gentleman on the label and one whiff of the musky contents and mistook it for cologne. Dabbing some behind his ears, and dabbing more in other conspicuous areas of his person, using near half the bottle, he felt like a true man as he and the rest of the guys headed off to hunt moose.
Let me explain why this was such a tragic mistake: Foggy Mountain HotMoose is the essence of the urine of a female moose in heat. Thus, not only does it attract moose, but it specifically attracts male moose who are blinded by their raging hormones, seeking only to get it on with a ladymoose and ready to thrash anything or anyone that gets in their way. Few forces of nature match that of a male moose looking for action. So, imagine the tragic end to the story which begins with an innocent young man dabbing himself with moose juice, and middles with an enraged moose bull mistaking the frail, 130 lb young man for a female moose in heat.
No one knew poor Billy had doused himself with the stuff, and no one had been keeping an eye on him as he held back from the group, distracted by the beauty of nature and all of the Lord’s creation. I will never forget that weekend … we could barely enjoy the fresh moose meat, and as we dined, we could only console each other knowing that Billy had at least died on a day when he had been truly happy, out and enjoying nature. And perhaps it was fitting that he died with nature enjoying him.
It has been over a year since Billy’s closed-casket funeral, and the pain still lingers. But I hope that from this story, you will know to be careful with HotMoose and realize that the attractive gentleman featured on the bottle was most likely carrying a gun and prepared to fend off vile-minded male moose. May you do the same.
I gave this product 4 stars because it does do a very good job of attracting male moose, but I had to remove 1 star in memory of Billy, whose starry light has been extinguished forever.
21. Dream Supreme Plus 100% Gel Filled Pillows
By Bartok Kinski
I had no idea on how to inflate the Pillows, as no air pump came with the package.
There was an odd smell to them as soon as I opened them. I think it was a smelly factory where they were produced, so much so that I gagged the first night I used them on the bus in Ecuador. I used the Dream Supreme Plus Pillow as a travel Pillow but it was useless.
Eventually they caught fire near a camp where I slept.
20. Finding Nemo (Two-Disc Collector’s Edition) (2003)
I took my neighbor’s kid to see this a while back. This movie pretty much ruined my night, and I will tell you how. We went to the theatre on a Friday night while I was babysitting (he was like 4 years old at the time by the way).
It was a little warm out so I stopped and got us each a Big Gulp. That was my first mistake. This kid drank an entire Big Gulp of Mountain Dew on the way to the theater (which I later realized contains a very high level of caffiene which he is not allowed to have). He said he didn’t have to go to the bathroom before the movie, so I guess you can see where this is going. The theater itself was absolutely freezing, and this kid complained about it the entire time.
The movie was a little boring and looked really fake. You could tell it wasn’t real and was just a bunch of silly puppets, but he was only 4 so I guess he bought it (I hope he doesn’t really think fish can talk). Bla Bla Bla, the fish gets lost or whatever, lots of talking, then BAM! Shark Attack, and the kid screams and immediately proceeds to dive under the chairs, and come back up with his pants soaking wet. Great, kid. You said you didnt’ have to go BEFORE the movie, so now you decide to go DURING the movie. Later on the movie whipped this kid up into a caffiene frenzy, and he takes off his wind-breaker and starts whipping it around his head, and it hit this kid behind us and the zipper tagged him in the ear. The other kid’s mom gave me a dirty look, so I tried to explain that my neighbor’s kid wasn’t very smart because he is only 4, but then I didn’t want to start an argument so I held back my tongue.
The worst part actually came when the movie was finally over and we went out to eat at McDonalds. I thought it would be cute to order the kid a fish sandwich since we just saw a movie about fishes. He took a couple of bites and asked why it tasted so bad, so I simply told him what it was. So then the kid, no joke, starts throwing up all of his fries, and what I guess was a whole lot of mountain dew all over the chair and the floor. Then he gets seriously mad at me and does the now-vomit-covered-windbreaker frenzy. He was mad because he thought I was trying to get him to eat one of the fishes in the movie or whatever. He refused to clean it up or eat the rest of his sandwich so I just took him home.
We tried to have a discussion about the difference between his sandwich in the movie, but he simply said “I hate you” (great argument, kid). In conclusion I would NOT reccomend this movie due to my awful experience with this bratty kid.
19. 2pc Ninja Hand Claw Climbing Tigers Spikes
By H. Diddlebach “Howard”
I’m just starting out with my own ninja training, and despite what my friend Irving thinks we aren’t anywhere near ready to take out a classified ad in Soldier of Fortune magazine yet. I think we should take at least one more summer Tai Chi class at the rec center first, especially since it’s free for students. Anyway, I don’t really feel qualified as a professional ninja or anything but I do want to let you know what I’ve learned about Ninja Hand Claws so far.
I had a cast party at my house for Drama club and my only pair of scissors literally *broke* while Irving and I were setting the decorations. Actually, I was setting the decorations while Irving played Hitman II on PlayStation, even though the cast party at my house was Irving’s idea and he promised he’d help me out with things when he volunteered me for it. What a dope. I should probably explain that Irving and I are only in Drama club because we wanted some action, since there are a lot of hotties in Drama club and not too many other guys there that are even remotely interested in girls, if you know what I mean. Plus there aren’t any football players in sight. This makes the ratio of normal guys to hotties a whole lot better than you typically see in the general school population. Just wanted to set things straight, which I also happen to be. So anyway while Irving and I are getting ready for this drama party, I set the scissors down to go get more crepe paper and Irving decided it’d be really funny to throw the scissors into my dart board, which I have to admit might have been funny except that he missed the dart board altogether and the scissors flew right into the side of my basement wall. When that happened the bolt right in the center of the scissors cracked in two and instead of a pair of scissors I had two individual scissor blades with completely impossible oval ring grips, not the sort of tool that you can use to make streamers or confetti, or even do any realistic Ninja knife-fighting or anything. Totally useless.
Fortunately I had my NINJA HAND CLAW available and Irving and I were able to hold several pieces of paper tight between us while I ran the claw length-wise a few times, making rough but functional confetti for the party. It really tore the paper more than cutting it, but finally we actually got a couple of buckets of confetti, which is exactly what we needed. The crepe paper itself for making streamers was way too thin for cutting with a Ninja hand Claw, but fortunately you can tear it pretty easily anyway and we were just being silly at that point. Considering our excellent decorations we had a completely successful party, except for one thing. Later in the evening Irving had been partying way too much and he plopped down on the waterbed with my Ninja Hand Claw still right there on the corner, popping the waterbed which completely ruined my chances of getting any action after the drama party, if you know what I mean. I mean, once your bed is soaking wet, and if your only other alternatives are old garage-sale bar stools and a bean bag with a hole in it and an old pool table, it’s really kind of hard to make your move. Besides, everybody thought it was really creepy that I had a Ninja hand claw lying ON my bed, not IN my bed as Irving kept saying, but once the joke went around that Howard has a love glove nobody was listening to what I said about only setting the Ninja Hand Claw down there for a minute anyway. So because Irving was such a jerk all the girls got embarrassed and went home early, leaving me with Irving and a couple of those “drama queen” drama guys I was mentioning earlier. I was really hoping they didn’t think Irving was serious about me using my Ninja Hand Claw as a love glove, so to underscore the point that I’m training to be a prefessional ninja I got a couple of throwing stars and sat there throwing them into my dartboard while they all sat and watched the E! channel, which Irving was totally into by the way. Hmmmmm. Anyway, these guys wouldn’t take a hint about going home themselves until Irving started projectile vomiting on the stairs about an hour later. I swear Irving’s my best friend but even I don’t like him that much.
So anyway I don’t know how well these Claws work for the practicing Ninja warrior but I can verify that they cut confetti really nicely. Just keep them away from Irving, or your waterbed and your reputation as a ladies man will be shot. Seriously. Plus Irving will probably fall asleep on your bean bag while you clean up the confetti, waterbed water, and human vomit, and you’ll probably wind up sleeping under the pool table without getting any action at your own drama party. You ought to consider this very carefully before ordering!!!
18. Mac Daddy Child Costume
By Perini Scleroso
This is the one Kat Williams wears. It’s his size and everything, looks good on HBO, will look good on your lil menace to society II.
17. CatGenie-Self Washing, Self Flushing Cat Box
By N A “Cat Lover”
Cat Genie takes the small unpleasantness of daily cleaning the litter and it saves it up and releases that unpleasantness as one big unscheduled, unpleasant inconvenience every week or two. Advanced monitors will ensure that the device failure will occur during the workday, as you prepare for your important meeting with your prospective client. Nothing like cleaning out wet cat poo in your nicest suit. Or, you may be pleasantly awoken in the middle of the night by the repeating three beeps of “there’s poo and hair in the hopper.” You will become more familiar with your cat’s feces every day as the cat genie gently fills your home with the aroma of baking excrement. Plus, you get to pay over $300 for technology that was “designed” and built for less than $2. The “processor” unit was designed in 1967 and allows all the functionality of the most advanced microchip devices of its era. It has both on and off modes. (Note: off mode available only while unplugged.)
Actually, the real reason for the high cost of the device is to cover the costs of all the customer support that they must provide and to cover the costs of all of the returned units. The question is not IF, but WHEN you will find yourself hunched over your cat’s feces floating in a pool of fetid water, picking small plastic pellets out of the opaque, pungent water with your fingers so that you can get the device put back together.
And your cats will thank you by depositing their love bundles beside the machine that’s half filled with water and beeping away forlornly if you happen to be away when it fails.
We have three cats, they had no trouble adjusting to the machine over about a week. The small plastic pellets getting everywhere in the house is not really any big deal. Roomba takes care of most of them well. We’ve now had the machine for three months. We received a replacement base last week for a leaky drain hose. We’ve called their customer service line enough times that we now know the “secret” diagnostic techniques of their experts. We don’t know if we’re going to keep it or return it. If we keep it, we’re definitely going to install an exhaust fan in the laundry room, and set it to a timer to go when the unit is on. For some reason there are little bits of poo that fall between the tines of the hopper, and they get slow baked every time the unit dries itself. The stench is really outstanding. It’s hard to describe. I’m a doctor, and I’ve rarely ever smelled anything so bad.
My recommendation is to wait for the next generation cat sanitation solution. That device will need to be a complete redesign to solve the myriad of problems with this unfortunate device. To say something positive, the customer support line is manned by kind, well-meaning kids who really do feel badly that you’re having a hard time with your mechanical poo soup maker.
If you do buy this device, get some thick rubber gloves and a couple of towels that you won’t use for anything else.
16. Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009)
By SirGeorgeMartini “ElDorado”
Paul Blart is a mall cop and although he’s clumsy at times, he’s definitely not a loser. He’s an inspiration for security “officers” everywhere. As the drama unfolds, we see that Blart doesn’t get the respect he deserves from anyone in the movie. Several times I had to wipe the tears from my eyes as I watched the film. Kevin James is a highly underrated actor in the mold of William Shatner as well as being an hilarious comedian. His role in “Mall Cop” is similar to Jackie Gleason’s in “Smokey and the Bandit”. If you don’t like this movie, you probably hate weight challenged people, and if you hate them, you most likely hate America.
15. 28″ Blazingly Fast Victory EP Racing Remote Controlled Boat
By Theodore Best “Teddy Best”
you know i opened this toy and i tried to eat it and it tasted so bad i had to wash out my mouth so i tried to eat the stern (there better than the bow usually) but it broke my tooth so i began to lick the stern and it was delish so i gave ths 5*’s cus it tasted so good and never got moldy like my other boats but beware the propeller hurts when going down ur throat
14. Baby Einstein Musical Motion Activity Jumper
By Hoffman
This chair looks complex and intimidating at first, but I soon came to realize that’s because when you put your child into it they get sucked into an inter-dimensional vortex that sends them back in time. Usually it’s great fun (my daughter loves playing with the dinosaurs!), but be careful. Once I carelessly sent my child into WWII Nazi Germany…
13. Berries (Hardcover) by Roger B. Yepsen
By The Amazin’ Amazon Guy “Help Me I’m Too Cool!” (Turnersville, NJ)
It is to my amazement and shock that for all of its detailed information, this book contains nothing about dingleberries. While I will concede that most of civilized society still regards the humble dingleberry as more of a nuisance than as a bona fide member of the berry kingdom, this should hardly be a reason to exclude them from the berry vernacular. After all, I’m not crazy about raspberries but I wouldn’t single them out from any discussion about what constitutes a legitimate berry.
I can only guess in contemplating the motivation behind the exclusion of the dingleberry from this volume. Perhaps it’s because the dingleberry is not considered a key ingredient of any contemporary delicacy (e.g. pies or muffins) for obvious reasons. I don’t anticipate an emergence of dingleberry milkshakes or some kind of off-the-wall Ben & Jerry’s flavor (like “Dingleberry Manilow” or something). But even as such, culinary function is hardly the only defining characteristic of a berry. So I really can’t comprehend the reasoning. Hopefully the publisher can correct this egregious omission in future editions.
12. Bob’s Red Mill Old Country Style Muesli, 40-Ounce Packages (Pack of 4)
By C. Cochran
This cereal tastes great and is very nutritious – a really good alternative to bland Quaker Oats…
A word of caution. If you are not familiar with eating oatmeal products and you decide to try this product out, please avoid the mistake I made described in this story:
One morning, I was picking up my friend to carpool to work with. I decided to try his Muesli while waiting in his kitchen so I dumped a bunch of it into a bowl, not realizing how much it was going to be. Well, I finished the entire bowl and I felt great – nice and full. At around 1 pm, however, I felt this *tremendous* pressure in my lower abdomen. So I quickly left my desk for the bathroom while doing my best to hold in what I had know idea was about to come out. Let’s just say I was lucky that no one else was in the bathroom. This continued for 6 hours…
I argue for every 1 cup of Muesli expect 1 cubic meter of methane production – at sea level.
11. Buck Rogers in the 25th Century – The Complete Epic Series (1979)
By Hammock Rider
This is a high point in the Canon! It co-stars a very young Jamie Lee Curtis as a convict who can put the finger on the nefarious space pirate, Pantera! Here is what I learned from this episode;
1. In the future prison guards will wear leather dresses.
2. Androids always take out their frustration on hapless scenery.
3. “Tied to a chair” is a great look for Erin Gray.
4. Squids roam the deserts of the future.
5. Finally, while styles of clothing and cars may change, hairstyles will always remain the same, relevant to the time of the episode’s filming.
In closing, this one has plenty of good Buck. He has to rescue Wilma, fight an indestructible android,capture a space pirate and outwit a diabolical Space Diplomat. And don’t forget the Sand Squid.
10. Who Cut the Cheese: A Cultural History of the Fart (Paperback)
By j.p.redman (London United Kingdom) – See all my reviews
I bought this book expecting it to be rather more of a “how-to” guide than it turned out to be. That said, it was still immensely useful and exposes many myths. I, for one, had mistakenly subscribed to that well-known myth that Arabs consider it the height of good manners to break wind during and after a meal. Sadly, this is untrue. If only I had had this book *before* I dined with the secretary-general of OPEC in ‘96!
9. Charlie’s First Day in First Grade (Paperback)
By My Uncle Stu (Boston)
“Charlie’s First Day in First Grade” uses humor and robust illustrations to tell the story of Charlie’s attack of classroom performance anxiety. It is a cute story that can also be used as a launching point for discussing school anxiety with your children. We see the situation unfold through Charlie’s eyes, complete with the cognitive distortions that feed anxiety: everyone is looking, everyone cares, everyone else knows the answer, everyone will remember this moment from now on. Of course, with just a little bit of time and advice from family, he is able to return to school and have a nice corrective experience, which he also distorts and amplifies in his mind but this time for good use.
I’d love to suggest a sequel, where Charlie masters a course of bio-feedback and goes on to a career as a virtuosic bassoonist. He goes on to marry a pagan librarian and together they discover the manuscripts of the lost Mozart bassoon concerti, but in the process inadvertently get themselves embroiled in an international conspiracy involving Russian submarines, Wal-Mart, Aer Lingus, and Larry King. Wait, wait, maybe I’ll write that story. Never mind. You can’t have it, Janice, I said it here first, August 15, 2007, M. Libman.
Beyond the value of the story and illustrations themselves, it is also a brisk read, so a very practical book to have around at bedtime when the children are clambering for just one more book.
8. Victorinox Swiss Army Champion Plus Pocket Knife
By Timothy Poteet “Timboliah Pants on Fiyah” (Dayton, OH USA) – See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)
It was the summer of 1944 and I had just been expelled (in disgrace) from the Swiss Army. As for possessions, I had little more than the clothes on my back, my Grover-Trophy Metal Kazoo (Standard) and of course my trusty, military issued Victorinox Swiss Army Champion Plus Pocket Knife.
Just days earlier, I had been certain that I was destined for military greatness. You see, I had acquired a rifle and several thousand rounds of ammunition, while on leave in Italy some six months prior. It occurred to me that if I could demonstrate to the military high command how potentially useful a rifle could be for military stuff… perhaps they would consider investing in some and possibly even issue them to our troops. Don’t get me wrong… each of us dogfaces valued our Victorinox Swiss Army Champion Plus Pocket Knife… the primary weapon issued to all of us Swiss fighting men at that time. As terrific as these little knives were, we felt insufficiently armed when we hunkered down in our battle trenches, waiting for enemy sharpshooters to run out of ammo before we dared to charge them… knives drawn… teeth bared.
When not afield facing down the invading Nazi hordes, my assigned duty post was that of the solitary guard of a large warehouse which was situated in a remote corner of our military base. Each day, I walked the perimeter of that big old warehouse, my Victorinox Swiss Army Champion Plus Pocket Knife drawn and at the ready. Since acquiring the rifle, my evenings and weekends had been spent diligently practicing my marksmanship inside that very warehouse. By then, I had fashioned it into my own private, makeshift firing range. I fired round after round into the wooden crates that filled that warehouse from floor to ceiling… determined to hone my skills.
A day came when I was at my post and saw an approaching motorcade. It was none other than King Victorino X, King of Switzerland accompanied by an entourage of our small but proud nations’ highest military officials. I closed the blade of my trusty Victorinox Swiss Army Champion Plus Pocket Knife, quickly stashed it in my pocket, made a snappy salute and stood at full attention in the presence of His Majesty and my superior officers.
I was ordered to open the doors of the warehouse so the King could inspect the contents of the warehouse. Which as my bad luck would have it turned out to be the entire supply of the King’s royal cheese! As I learned later, each of these prize cheeses had been made with several gallons of Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz (available here on Amazon for $77.76 per gallon). The cheeses had been crated in wooden boxes and stored in this warehouse so that they could age to perfection. The King was… shall we say… somewhat angry to discover every box shot full of holes from my months of secret target practice.
I was immediately dismissed from the Army (and the country). The cheese was all but ruined. No longer fit for the king, and shot full of holes, it was sold to delicatessens around the world to be used on sandwiches by commoners. It still tastes pretty good with ham on rye if you ask me.
7. Christmas Album [ORIGINAL RECORDING REMASTERED] by Herb Alpert
By viktor_57 “viktor_57″
I remember the winter of 1969-1970 as being the happiest of my entire life. I was warm, comforted, cared for in every possible way, and completely oblivious to the traumas of the outside world. Upbeat tempos, shining brass, and vocalic choruses accompanied that joyous glow I felt. Sure, it may have been a time of great upheaval and uncertainty in the U.S., but I didn’t care. Only later did I discover that I owed Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass for that weird admixture of mariachi, Lawrence Welk, and rhumba. With this re-release, I can now relive those happier times.
Of course, since I was in the womb at that time, most of the music I remember was rather muffled. The driving beat, though, easily resonated through the placental walls of my abdominal abode, and I recall rocking and rolling with the holiday rhythms. Once, after Ma had helped herself to several cups of 80 proof eggnog and I got the distilled version down the umbilical bloodstream, I got so carried away with my wild dancing that I nearly choked myself with my own umbilical chord! Boy, those were good times!
In an effort to relive those times, I put on the album, filled my tub with warm water, turned out the lights, stripped naked, submerged myself underwater, and curled up into a fetal position. I felt something was missing, so I added an electronic heartbeat and suddenly I was negative two-months old all over again!
6. Create A Commie
By I. Waldman “waldchick”
Durability:4.0 out of 5 stars Fun:4.0 out of 5 stars Educational:3.0 out of 5 stars
If you loved wooly willie, you will love create-a-commie for its educational value. With pictures of the most famous communists on the back, you wont have to struggle to remember Lenin’s goatee or gorbachev’s birthmark! Very fun gift!
5. CrocsbutterTM – No Color
By GC “Enjoys Hot Pockets”
I was really excited to hear that Crocs has decided to delve into the condiment market, but when I received my Crocs Butter I was very much confused. It comes in a sponge that you are supposed to use to apply the butter. I tried this on my toast and it didn’t get very much on my toast plus it tasted really funny. I could NOT get this rubbery taste out of my mouth! It doesn’t have a nutrition label, but I am 99% sure that there is no actual butter in this “butter”.
4. Dingo Big Chew Bone Small, 2.1-Ounce
By Pegan (Phoenix, AZ)
Due to some childhood ‘incidents’, I have developed a taste for dog chews. The Dingo Big Chew is one of my favorites. The meat flavored center is as tender and delicious as a quality filet.
3. Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable
By A. Hedstrom “arnehed” (New Jersey, USA)
Initially I was skeptical, but after reading some reviews and seeing the discount, I could not resist. You’ve got to spend it to save it, people.
After the Denon helicopter and armed delivery guards left, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed; Do I deserve a cable so supreme? Is my music worthy to be transported across such a sublime linkage? These thought were racing thru my mind even before I open the silver case with the ivory inlay. When I mustered enough courage to lift the lid, I am not ashamed to admit I pee’ed myself at what I saw. Pictures don’t do it justice, the Denon AKDL1 is beautiful. As I reached for it, I became aware of a low humming noise coming from the cable. It was warm to the touch and seemed to pulse with energy. It actually moved in my hand, slowly writhing as if seeking sound and music to improve with its touch.
It was then that I realized I was tap dancing. This is strange, because I dont know how to tap dance… I honestly can’t even keep a beat, but there I was dancing like Fred Astaire. I began to realize other improvement in myself, just by holding the cable. I can now speak Farsi, drive a Zamboni, paint by numbers, and wait patiently in line at the Post Office; all skills I never had before!
I couldn’t wait to plug this cable in and bask in its glory. I looked for an outlet on my old Radioshack record player (I have been meaning to upgrade..) and there was an RJ45 port *where there had never been before*. I plugged it in right away and then dropped the cable. I had to. It instantly began to bend time and space around it. I tried to scream, but instead I belted out an aria from La Boehme, inadvertently I might add. I turned to run, scared out of my wits (something else I never had before) and executed a perfect entrechat (in the style of Vaganova’s method). It seems everything about me was now musical, and artistic; even my very soul.
This is not a cable… this Denon AKDL1 is the essence of humanity. Get yours before you devolve in the pond scum that you are.
Minus one star for the blasé color.
2. Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz
By L. Jonte
Delivered by the bronzed descendants of Roman Gods (dressed as postal workers) my Tuscan Milk arrived! Upon opening the container, the heavens opened and the angels sang! It was really quite a nuisance. My house is now littered with unemployed Romans and angels that won’t shut up. They drank all my Tuscan milk.
*sob*
1. The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee
By Kadillak
At first I thought this was obviously just a sweet wolf t-shirt but man was I wrong. This unearthly garment wasn’t created by man but by the god Zeus himself spun from the fibers of his own chest hair at a 14 million thread count. Once this shirt is molded over your chest it doesn’t matter what you looked like before you automatically become a ripped creature of the night capable of hunting down the hottest women on this planet. For you are no longer human you are a friggin’ wolf prowling the nightclubs thrashing and clawing your way to their hearts. Not that you even need to say or do anything while wearing this creation because it says enough all by itself but accompanied by your newly fashioned capabilities of wolfness you will become irresistable to all. Screw tequila I got this as my new panty remover! Just follow these simple steps and you too can holster the power that is THE THREE WOLVES SHIRT. 1)Shirt on. 2)Prowl. 3)Take em back to trailer. 4) Ectasy. Thank you Zeus.
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