70 Of The Weirdest Craigslist Posts
Amit Chowdhry | Saturday January 30, 2010 | 22,426 views| 1 Comment59. I have $1,000 in booze, and you have a failed marriage – St. Louis [Link]
Date: 2007-01-03, 10:11PM CST
Not to put too fine a point on it, but I want to get married. I’m a student with a couple of part time jobs, and I’m just trying to get my education finished quickly so I can go back to working full time. I’ve got a great girlfriend, and I think that it’s finally time to bump it up a notch.
What I’m looking to do is to help some poor dude who spent way too much money on a diamond ring, and then watched his life fall apart into a crushing pit of despair. Maybe you finally got rid of your evil ex-wife and you’re looking to booze it up with some floozies. You’ll need a bunch of great booze to begin your new life of intoxication, and this is what I can provide to you.
We all know that the jewelry business is pretty rough on the little guy; the cartel pricing structure makes anything of a respectable size very expensive. Try to sell that $5,000 ring back to a jeweler and you’ll be extremely lucky to be offered $1,000 on a good day. Let’s help each other out.
I have a bunch of great booze to trade, and I need a diamond ring. Ideally, I’d like a solitaire set in either white gold or platinum. Loose stones are perfectly acceptable, too.
Twenty bottles:
Bruichladdich 15 year First Edition single malt
Bruichladdich 20 year Second Edition single malt
Woodford Reserve Four Grain #863 of 9360
Calvert’s Blended
1.5 Liter bottle of Seagram’s Grapefruit gin
Smirnoff vodka
El Mayor Reposado tequila
Four bottles of St George’s single malt (One Lot 3, two Lot 5, and one Lot 6)
Four bottles of Dubonnet Green Creme de Menthe (No idea why I have these)
McClellan’s Islay single malt
2004 Babcock Cabernet
Cazadores Reposado tequila
Mount Gay Vanilla rum
Mount Gay Mango rum
Also, I have “The Minibar.” I built this with the plan of putting it in a guest bedroom, but minibottles are way too expensive to replace after my freeloading friends drank ‘em up. I wound up using it as a cool display for my living room, and it looks great. 54 airline bottles of all types, and there’s some really fancy stuff here that you don’t normally see in airliners.
The minibottles:
Balvenie 10, Balvenie 12, Balvenie 15, Glenfiddich 18, Glenfiddich 15, Glenfiddich 12, Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey, Jameson’s, Wild Turkey, Booker’s, Baker’s, Knob Creek, Basil Hayden, Martel XO, Frangelico, Jagermeister, Milagro Silver, Jim Beam, Seagram’s 7, Seagram’s VO, Crown Royal, Disarrono, Godiva Dark, Starbuck’s Creme, Starbucks Cafe, Bailey’s Irish Cream, Merlyn’s Irish Cream, Myer’s Dark Rum, Captain Morgan, Bacardi Superior, Pearl Persephone, Chopin, Grey Goose Orange, Grey Goose Lemon, Grey Goose, Bacardi Limon, Bacardi Green Apple, Bacardi O, Bombay Sapphire, Tanqueray Ten, Vox, Vox Raspberry, Vox Green Apple, Absolut Mandrin, Absolute Vanilla, Absolut Apeach, Absolut Raspberry, Smirnoff Citrus, Smirnoff Orange, Smirnoff Raspberry, Smirnoff, Jose Cuervo, Everclear, Captain Morgan Tattoo.
58. Confusion parading as art – Washington DC [Link]
Date: 2006-09-18, 5:41PM EDT
My wife’s annoyingly bohemian niece gave us this piece of abstract “art” after her graduation. She was in art school for almost 6 years and, yes folks, this was part of her senior thesis.
If you’re interested in completely useless hanging wire objects that merely consume space and inspire nothing more than smirks from visitors, this piece is for you. Or, if you want to send someone a not-so-subtle message letting them know you hate them, this piece would make the perfect gift.
First person to come to my house to pick this crap up gets it.
57. behemoth for sale! – SF Bay Area [Link]
Date: 2009-12-04, 11:59PM EST
Hello, Bay Area!
For a limited time, you, yes, YOU, can purchase your very own land yacht!
the beast:
Due to a fortunate cash influx and a desire for reliable transportation, I have recently purchased a car that is actually younger than I am. Therefore, I must needs sell my baby.
big ol’ baby eyes:
This 1976 Dodge Aspen is completely unique! (I think the other ones all broke down long ago.) It comes complete with four round wheels (wow!) and a FUNCTIONING engine which, when its petroleum-based fuel is ignited, transfers its power to the wheels and MAKES THEM TURN!!! Huzzah! Instant transportation! All you pale-faced, red-eyed, antisocial Craigslisters are now able to leave the house without shying away from attractive members of the opposite sex on the sidewalk, or being rubbed up against by large sweaty men on Muni. Yay!
the dash:
My car’s innards are completely functional, quite impressively so for a badly-designed car of its age. The transmission and radiator have been recently replaced, the alternator and battery are new, and it has had quite a bit of restorative tinkering done under the hood, thanks to my friendly neighborhood mechanic. It is quite thirsty for petroleum products, however, and one of the radiator hoses leaks slightly.
The inside is all blue vinyl, perfect for sticking to the backs of your thighs on a warm day. There is a big hole where the glove box used to be.
the hole:
his hole was made by the bony, bony knees of my boyfriend’s excessively long legs cracking the plastic every time I came to a stop over the course of a year. Eventually it all fell out.
bony, bony knees:
The knees do not come with the car. They belong to my boyfriend and I love them dearly. (And no, the scars are not a result of destroying my glove box.)
The Beast is missing one hubcap, and has several scars, none of which were acquired while I owned it. To my knowledge, it has never been in a serious accident.
The Beast is my baby, and I hate to sell it, but I cannot afford to keep two cars in this city. If you are interested in owning this fine specimen of Detroit engineering, send me an email and come take a looky.
56. Fondue Set O’ Love – Boston [Link]
Date: 2003-04-20, 10:57PM EDT
How fondly you recall it now- that night long ago, a small gathering of friends and acquaintances around the pot of simmering oil on your dining room table. You’d been flirting with Becky from payroll for some time, and had hoped her presence this evening might be just the kick-start your romance needed. How right you were, my friend.
Who can say exactly how it happened? Perhaps it was simply the combination of the wine flowing, the imported cheeses passing around the table, and at the center of it all, skewered meat cooking on the ends of color-coded forks. In your head, you’d assigned symbolic meanings to the colors of these utensils. You yourself had chosen the red fork, to signify the heat of your attraction. Surely Becky’s choice of green was the Fondue Gods’ way of urging you on with the color for “go.”
So when Becky pulled her fork from the bubbling oil to find it clean, shining, devoid of the chicken nibblet she’d been expecting to enjoy, you confidently leaned over and murmured in her ear, “You know Becky, Swiss custom dictates that when a woman loses her dipper in the fondue, she must kiss the man of her choice at the table.”
Blessed were you to be the man of Becky’s choice that night. The kiss you shared there, before your friends, was only a prelude to the passion that would overtake the pair of you later, when the others had gone and she lingered behind “to help clean up.” It occurred to you as you licked the dipping sauce from her navel that this experience was quite like the fondue itself- sensual, heated, and making a mess of your dining room table.
The last coherent thought that passed through your mind before the two of you gave into exhaustion that night was- “I’m so glad I bought that fondue set on Craigslist.”
55. Focus – good reliable first car – Sydney [Link]
Date: 2010-01-18, 5:31PM EST
Looking for a first car for a teen? This car is absolutely brilliant. It’s got low mileage (68k), has been super reliable, and is excellent on gas. Since you’re likely paying for the fuel, this will make things much cheaper on you. I average like 7L/per 100km. And with such low mileage, it’ll work great for a long long time.
But you wanna know the best reason to buy this car for your kid?
It’s slow as s**t. You don’t have to worry about speeding tickets or accidents in this baby. Your kid could have a 1 mile run and hit a brick wall not wearing a seatbelt and not be going fast enough to do s**t. And there won’t be any sense in him getting some s**tty ass fart can off of eBay – this car has the super slow SPI engine, no sense in trying to make it any faster. It’s a 4-door, so your kid won’t try to put gay ass Lambo doors on it. It is still possible to fit this with a body kit, but if you’d like, for an extra $200, I can stab him in the face if he does this.
It’s a 5-speed, so your kid can’t talk on his cell phone while playing Gameboy and smoking pot – he’ll have to actually pay attention. It also means you won’t have to pay for an automatic transmission when your kid beats the hell out of it. It’s got a new clutch and new tires, so you’ll know if he does burnouts. After all, I’m sure YOU’RE the one paying for tires, right? It’s got an aftermarket head unit in it, so your kid won’t f**k it up when him and his buddies try to wire in a “phat ass system”. It’s already had the speakers replaced too, so he won’t have to tear the door cards on and then look like a retard when he can’t get them back on. It’s got manual windows too, so he can’t f**k up the window motors when he rolls one of his friends heads up in it as a joke. A new battery means when he leaves his headlights on, it won’t leave you totally stranded.
But really though, one of the best parts is that, because it is a 4 door, it will be somewhat embarrassing for him to be seen in. I’m sure you get pissed at him from time to time. Hell, you’re probably mad at him for harassing you into buying him a first car. So get this one. It has no A/C, so you’ll know he’s suffering every time you get mad at him. Pretty satisfying. It’ll bring a smile to your face too, to know he’s rolling around looking like a f****t in a Ford Focus.
So buy this car for your kid. You won’t regret it.
54. To all office kitchen thieves – Boston [Link]
Date: 2005-04-08, 11:59AM EDT
I say all because I won’t be revealing which office because I would like these refrigerator fouls to stop. I bring in my own half and half for my coffee because the office is too cheap to supply it any longer, and many of you on several occasions have used mine without asking, without replacing, and almost always putting it back in the fridge empty or near empty.
You will now suffer some of my wrath in the following manner:
What do each and every one of you do upon opening a partially emptied half and half from the fridge? Yes, that is right. You smell the inside to see if it is bad. Well I promise you, the next person that does this with mine, it is going to indeed be “bad”. You will probably vomit or at least get the mouth droolies and rear jaw tinglies going. You see, today I’ve placed a 3/4 empty H&H decoy container (with my name on it as always) with a little half and half in it that I left out over 5 days, I’ve tossed in a little egg salad which has nicely sank and made a lovely little home at the bottom of the carton, and for good measure, before sealing it up tightly, I busted a little ass into the container. Next time you reach for my H&H container and give it the ol ‘see if it’s fresh sniff test’, you will be receiving a lovely bouquet, and in addition, and this really is the best part, particles that came out of my ass in the form of gas will reside inside your lungs. And that, for me, will make up for the months and months of Half and Half thievery!
How ya like me now?
Your Friendly Office Terrorizer
53. Ibis titanium stem–long as a cat’s leg [Link]
Date: 2003-06-30, 11:46PM PDT
I was out riding with my buddies John and Roger–nothing special just another headlands loop, when John turns to me and says, “damn dude that stem is as long as a cat’s leg”. This being a fairly weird thing to say, even for John, I figure a follow up question is in order. “Uhm, I didn’t know you had a cat?”.
“Oh sure, I just love cats. I get a couple new ones every month.”
I’m starting to worry as I’ve been to John’s house and haven’t really noticed any cats hanging around. “Man that’s like 24 cats a year, where do you keep ‘em all?”
Meanwhile Roger sensing that we’re not paying attention takes a flyer off the front as we hit the flat spot on the Conzelman climb. John takes off after him.
I’m thinkin’, “Dudes been eatin’ his cats, gotta be.”
By this time Roger and John have put 100 feet into me and I’m still thinking, “What’s a cat taste like?” When I decide it’s either time to bridge up or time to call the SPCA.
Facts, I need more facts! They’ve just turned left past the tree at the fork, gets a bit steeper here. It’s now or never. I’m starting to come back a bit, yanking on the bars, “hey this stem is nice, bit long though…. long as a cat’s leg”. Coming round the bend past the 15 mph sign and it’s time to kick, but it’s not enough and they still have 5-10 seconds over the top and I’m completely cooked.
“DO IT FOR THE KITTIES. MUST SAVE THE KITTIES!”
Push it over into the big ring and down the back we come. I’m ready now. I’m an avenging silver bullet. Unstoppable. Garg look out for the bunnies crossing the road. It’s not cool to bisect a bunny while trying to rid the world of cat eaters.
At last I’m on Roger’s wheel, I am officially, completely cooked. I come around next to John. “Where the hell do you get off eating all those cats?”, I gasp.
52. Dearest Sponge – SF Bay Area [Link]
Date: 2005-10-02, 2:00PM PDT
Dearest Sponge,
I don’t know how many ways I can let you know that the time has come for us to part ways.. Didn’t you get the hint when I tossed you into the garbage those 5 times? But yet every day I wake up and there you are AGAIN…Did you jump out of the garbage can? Or did you convince someone else in the house you were still worthy of being part of this home….i mean it is not like I hate you or anything like that you pulled your weight around here.. cleaning all those places that nobody else would dare to go too.. And still even after the little incident in the toilet you were there for me … But now this is getting scary.. last night when I went to use the facilities I step on something slightly wet I jump back to see what it was and there you were .. Looking innocent on the rug.. are you stalking me? I thought the only way to finally let you know how I feel is through this board.. HELL everyone reads it right? why not you? I’ve found a new home for you .. As of this evening you will bunking with the neighbors dog Cujo..he I know will give you the much wanted attention you seem to be wanting and don’t worry about us .. we have found someone else to fill your place his name is Toilet Brush ..
fondly yours,
Your house mate..
51. Damage from Rita. – Houston [Link]
Date: 2005-09-27, 4:31PM CDT
Attached is a photo illustrating the damage caused to my friend’s home
in Houston from the hurricane Rita that passed through on Friday night.
It really makes you cherish what you have, and reminds us not to take
things too much for granted.
50. 1986 toyota camry custom – Phoenix [Link]
Date: 2009-05-20, 8:04PM MST
1986 toyota camry
custom made with heavy duty cardboard body kit
runs good fast and fun
custom cardboard hoodscoop and rear spoiler for
super aerodynamic
15 inch chrome rims
comes with pink sandle air freshner for odor control
flame and dragon decals
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