70 Of The Weirdest Craigslist Posts
44. Evil people I encounter daily – Washington DC [Link]
Date: 2005-03-01, 10:16AM EST
Driving in traffic is just an example of the kinds of people I have to deal with on a regular basis. The attitude I describe here prevails in all aspects of life and interactions between people. Read below and see what I mean when I ask myself “When did people become such bastards?” I may have a scientific explanation for it all. I also may not.
So here you are driving down the road on the way to work. Traffic is heavy, but moving. You get to your exit and traffic backs up a little, so you patiently wait to exit off the highway. You would rather not be stuck in traffic and be running late, but stuff happens. What are you going to do?
AHA! I will tell you what you will do! You will watch in stunned horror as Mr. (or Ms.) Greedy Assmonkey changes his/her personal traffic reality!
As we have learned from String Theory, there are 11 different dimensions of reality. It is possible that we are on a membrane (aka brane) of a stretched out string. We could be barely the smallest distance imaginable from another universe on another brane and never be able to see it or touch it. That is if you are NOT Mr. Assmonkey. If you are Mr. Assmonkey you live in a special universe where you are the almighty King of Traffic, and all traffic rules bend to your whims. And courtesy is not even a concept in your realm.
So, Mr Assmonkey decides that he just cannot wait in traffic any longer. He decides to use his traffic warping powers and he pulls out of the lane. He could be behind or in front of you. It doesn’t matter. As he pulls out he practically causes a crash. He doesn’t care. He is driving a BMW SUV or a Hummer or some other combat luxury vehicle that has never even seen a mud puddle, never mind the great outdoors. This Mr. Assmonkey only drives it because it’s big and expensive and it uses a lot of gas. He won’t get hurt in an accident. He has lots of money and insurance and since the vehicle is so big, it does not need to pass emissions. Besides, in Assmonkeyland, nobody important ever gets injured in an auto accident. There is a big puff of smoke as he pulls out. You can smell the stink of exhaust even with your windows shut and the vents off.
Now Mr. Assmonkey is out of the exit lane – maybe even out of our universe, but he wants to exit now. So he speeds by you and all the others that have been waiting patiently, and cuts back into your lane (and back into your universe) right at the last possible point that he can exit. This causes the person he cut off to hit the brakes and slow down an already congested road to a crawl. Mr. Assmonkey, however, just save 20 minutes by cutting everyone else off. He doesn’t care that he just added more time to everyone else’s commute by slowing traffic further.
Well now all the other assmonkeys from Assmonkeyland see what our Mr. Assmoney has done. They realize that they do not need to be stuck in this universe, and flee to their own personal universes in order to complete this complicated brane leaping maneuver. So they all pull out of the exit lane, and swoop around to cut in. Now traffic is completely fubared. Everyone else suffers. The sad thing is that they get away with it. There are no tickets givin for driving like an assmoney from another universe. And since these people are rewarded for their aggressive behavior they continue to act that way all throughout the day. They saved 20 minutes and caused the rest of our universe’s inhabitants an extra half of an hour of traffic. And they think that they are so clever. I had to start taking an alternate back route to work because I felt so angry and violent seeing this every single day. I was also afraid of being dragged into the Assmonkey universe by accident. I have developed this disdain towards wealthy people of assmonkey decent in expensive cars. I fear that I am turning into some kind of luxury-auto-wealthi-assmonkey-phobe bigot. This is a sad thing to have had happened to me. I have seen too much greed and evil just on the roadways alone. Please, please, please, nobody give me a gun as a gift.