70 Of The Weirdest Craigslist Posts
Amit Chowdhry | Saturday January 30, 2010 | 22,425 views| 1 Comment10. Couch – Very Uncomfortable, Red – $3.75 – Denver [Link]
Date: 2007-03-01, 11:01PM MST
Hello. Here is my couch. I hate this couch and it needs to get out of my house. It is the worst couch I have ever seen. I sat on it and now I’m in a back brace. I let my dog have the couch, but then he died on it, so I don’t really need it anymore. I miss my dog and I hate this couch. I’m asking $3.75 for the couch because thats how much Buck’s favorite chew toy cost me each month. However, I’ll consider other offers. I would just throw this couch into the river, but I hurt my back sitting on the couch.
A little more about the couch:
I bought it 3 months ago.
I paid $900
It came from this swanky furniture place
I hate the couch
It is uncomfortable and will probably put you in a back brace
9. Let us frolic in my totally dope blanket fort – Chicago [Link]
Date: 2007-03-09, 10:31AM CST
Yes, I know what you’re saying, “dude, that blanket fort sucks.” That would not be the first time I’ve heard such short-sighted criticism. Its structural integrity is dubious at best and there isn’t a whole lot of headroom. But c’mon, it’s not like I’m a freakin’ architect or anything. Besides, this little baby is just a prototype. I have vast resources of cushions for anchoring and blankets in order to maximize square footage. My living room is just waiting to be turned into a totally sweet labyrinth of love.
I am very open to suggestions in respect to design and construction, as I’d like this fort to be a shared vision. Much like the Taj Mahal, its intended that this little beauty will be inspired by a very special lady. Once our shelter is erected, we can move in and work on some of our higher order needs. Or we could just order a pizza and tell ghost stories. Please email me with a picture if you want to be invited to this living room party. It will be sweet.
PS: I’m allowed to have sleepovers.
8. An Open Letter to the Guy riding a High-Bike – Minneapolis [Link]
Date: 2007-02-20, 11:24PM CST
Dear Guy on a Really High Seated Bike,
Why must you ride your high seated bike around town? Will not a normal bike do? Are you looking for attention? Did your parents not hold you enough as a baby? Perhaps you want to join the circus.
Guy seated on a really high bike. What moves you so to ride perched so high in the sky? Is it you wanting to look down in disdain at the people below? And how do you seat yourself on such a high mount? Need you a ladder? A jetpack? What happens when you stop?
I despise you on-a-high-seated-bike man. You attention-seeking cyclist. You do not amuse me. You do not amaze me. I am not fascinated by your high bike. I ignore you.
If I had a stick, I would stick it in your spokes. Oh, then how you would fly — an Icarus on wheels, traveling too close to the sun. And what glee would shine upon me, when I witnessed you tumbling down to the Earth below.
7. Duck Mask – Atlanta [Link]
Date: 2008-08-21, 8:09AM EDT
Full head rubber mask, old, has discoloration on white feather part from age, storage. Hey I got it on my big head, so it works that way.
6. vomiting man sprinkler/yard art – Spokane [Link]
Date: 2009-07-14, 8:56AM PDT
I built this guy last Friday & used him to water the lawn all day Saturday. People driving past, gawked at him like they had never seen a guy vomiting a steady stream of water all over the place. I put an ad to offer to sell him on here under “arts & crafts” on Sunday, but didn’t get any takers. I did get one very nice peice of fan mail from someone called the Dragon Planter and of course a couple peices of spam. At 1st, I thought I might just keep him, but then thought somebody else might be more “into him” then I am. So am advertising again, and udating this ad on Friday the 17th.
He is life size & made from articulated steel rods w/a detachable ceramic head. The top of which is actually a planter that can have plants planted in it.
He can be posed in pretty much any postion a real human can pose in.
He would be good for filling a swimming pool.
I think if you dressed him like a cowboy & wired him to the fence, he’d make a pretty good stock tank filler too.
The kids would probably like to run through his barf on hot days.
You could put him in or near a pond & use a recirculating pump instead of hooking him to the garden hose.
You could dress him in womens clothes & put a wig on him. Making it a lady puker instead.
I can drive him down to Spokane for another $20, [must be prepaid by money order or check issued from bank of America only] and elsewhere possibly.
Please excuse the poor quality of the photos. I am horrible at taking pictures.
5. CAT FOUND! – Fayetteville [Link]
Date: 2008-11-29, 9:25PM EST
I found this guy the other day on my back porch. I tried feeding him and it turns out that he is not very friendly because i think he may be scared. Not quite sure the breed but I am assuming he is part Siamese. I have him in a crate because he is not really house broken. If he is yours please reply.
4. Starship chickens; the wierd date explained – SF Bay Area [Link]
Date: 2003-07-11, 3:13PM PDT
Transmission from chicken coup 45b911 “red rooster, redrooster..this is alph chick..all systems go..target aquired.building sighted and ready to make landing?
Redrooster: “roger that alph chick, aim for the fire escape on floor 5″
apha chick: “touchdown…redrooster..alphachick has landed on fire escape, ready to deploy sinister death………huh…s**t s**t…..
redrooster: ABORT, ABORT!!! Alpha chick you have been spotted!! fire emergency escape rocket and get the hell outta their now!!! go go go
sound of rocket engine….end transmission
3. Found: Short, Fat, Smelly, Fugly Critter – Monterey [Link]
Date: 2007-04-09, 7:37AM PDT
April 8, 2007
At about 7:00p.m. tonight, after a near-perfect day in Santa Cruz, the evening was shattered by a frenetic, biblically ugly dog.
I was driving home on Corral de Tierra Road near the country club, and nearly hit a small furry thing running in the road. Well, I didn’t hear a thump, so I looked in the rear view mirror, and there was still a black dot running up the road.
So I turned around, parked and got out of my truck. It was quickly apparent that it was a little dog, which came running toward me, oblivious of traffic. It nearly ran under a passing SUV on the way. As it got closer, I got a look at it. It is about the size of a bread box, and looks like a turd with fur.
It darted at me, and right passed me, in a game of suicide tag. Traffic on that part of the road does about fifty and it was getting dusky. On the third pass, the dog did a sweeping turn in to the road, and a large truck had to cross into oncoming traffic to avoid it.
So I decided to see if it had a tag, which it did not. Has a collar though. So, knowing that being a tiny black dog playing with fast traffic at night would almost certainly be a less than stellar life choice, I scooped the wet, smelly critter up and took it home.
I have now spent fifty-seven minutes with the dog in my house, and can describe some things about it.:
* It looks like a cross between Dustin Hoffman and an Ewok.
* It smells bad.
* It was very thirsty.
* It was very hungry.
* It wants to be friends
* It is some class of terrier
* It is pitch black.
* It is probably a she.
* Its kidneys are functioning properly.
* It is not very bright.
The dog walks toward and then past my file cabinet, pauses, thinks better of Plan A and whips quickly around in an about face – and smacks it face square against the metal file cabinet. Acts completely undaunted and saunters off to stand in the middle of the room, staring blanky at the wall. So I get up and let it out to piss. The dog spends fifteen minutes outside and does nothing. I let it back in, and it promptly pisses on the rug. This dog is really stupid, and really ugly
If this is your dog, I do not expect you will be rushing to claim it. Nevertheless, I will be posting signs around tomorrow, and contacting the SPCA. If this is your dog, please claim it. No reward required – having the dog gone will be reward enough.
So, obviously your dog is missing or you wouldn’t be looking at this ad. You’re reading it, going “No way. That couldn’t be my precious Wumsypoo”. The problem is that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder – this IS your dog, and deep down, you know it is. So come claim her/him/it.
831-484-2193
————————————————————————–
April 9, 2007
OK, I let your dog out at 7:30 this morning to piss, and it took off for the hills like a rocket. Fifteen of my valuable minutes later, I located it. This is what it looked like (note the Dustin Hoffman resemblance):
So I issued the sure fire, dog-obedience #1 command “come”. Here is the instant result:
Hi, sorry to be the one to break it to you, but your dog is dumber than dirt.
So here’s the deal. I am now offering a reward – not for the dog ( I already have it, right?) – this reward is for you, the owner of Stupidpoo. I am offering 47 cents and a sample package of Mujarep coffee beans to anyone who can locate the owner of this dog. By lunch I will probably increase the kitty to dump the doggy.
2. Two Free Cannibal Goldfish – San Diego [Link]
Free Cannibal Goldfish…
They seem like regular goldfish… they sort of look like this…
Innocent looking… But little do you know… they ate 2 black moors, 1 lionhead goldfish, 1 calico telescope, 1 bottom feeder, 2 ghost shrimp, and 1 snail.
I thought they died of natural deaths at first, but after my last calico telescope goldfish died, it became apparent why these two delinquents are always the last man standing… THEY’VE BEEN PICKING AT THEIR FISH-FRIENDS!!
Please! Take them, but leave them in their own tank! They’ll be ready to be picked up starting Monday (August 30th) Please have your own method of transporting them. (a bottle… whatever). I’ll provide the net to catch those murderers.
1. Ferocious Attack Kitten – Dallas [Link]
Date: 2008-06-02, 7:10PM CDT
Ferocious attack kitten is available for adoption to any home willing to accept him.
This destructive kitty has been trained as a proud warrior and will fiercely defend your house, even against you. Well-trained since 10-weeks of age to attack anything in his presence, he will protect your family from evil things, including the following:
* insects
* other trained attack kittens
* babies
* toilet paper
* anything under a blanket
* unwanted house guests
* paper bags
* floor rugs
* Chuck Norris
* Feet.
Great with children (assuming you don’t like the children). Probably best used for professional catfighting. He is housebroken, but only because he wants to be. This attack cat has trained himself to seek out his food anywhere you hide it and rip the bag open to feed himself, great for those who travel extensively. Also trained to drink water out of toilet bowls and dishwater from items in the sink. Knows how to open some doors. He will find you wherever you hide.
Neutered (trust me, you wont want to him to procreate). Has not been declawed, but you’ll figure that out really fast.
Understands and responds to a variety of vulgar and profane verbal commands. Has a very soft and furry belly, like a teddy bear – however he will bite your face if you try to touch it.
Willing to accept trades. Potential adopters must have experience with trained attack-kittens… please be prepared to show scars.
For the love of God, someone please take this thing out of my house.
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