Top 57 Funny Quotes

Sometimes you may have had a rough day and you just need a funny quote to get by. Here 57 funny quotes that you could use for lifting your spirits or using on social media. We will be adding more quotes to this list over time:

“Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.”

-Anonymous

“Girls are like phones. We love to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!”

-Anonymous

“I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.”

-Anonymous

“Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face!”

-Anonymous

“The broccoli says ‘I look like a small tree’, the mushroom says ‘I look like an umbrella’, the walnut says ‘I look like a brain’, and the banana says ‘Can we please change the subject?'”

-Anonymous

“When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.”

-Anonymous

“You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.”

-Anonymous

“If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.”

-Albert Einstein

“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”

-Albert Einstein

“Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.”

-Albert King

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”

-Benjamin Franklin

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”

-Buddy Hackett

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.”

-Bill Cosby

“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.”

-Bill Cosby

“I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.”

-Carl Sandburg

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”

-Casey Stengel

“You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.”

-Dave Barry

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”

-Douglas Adams

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.”

-Elayne Boosler

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”

-Elbert Hubbard

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”

-Ellen DeGeneres

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”

-Fred Allen

“A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.”

-George Bernard Shaw

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

-George Carlin

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”

-George Carlin

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”

-Groucho Marx

“Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.”

-Hedy Lamarr

“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”

-Isaac Asimov

“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”

Jerry Seinfeld

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”

-Jim Carrey

“Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.”

-Joey Adams

“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.”

-John Gotti

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”

-Lana Turner

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”

-Lily Tomlin

“The road to success is always under construction.”

-Lily Tomlin

“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.”

-Mae West

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”

-Margaret Mead

“By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.”

-Mark Twain

“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”

-Mark Twain

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”

-Mark Twain

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

-Mitch Hedberg

“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.”

-Oliver Herford

“Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.”

-P.D. East

“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”

-P. J. O’Rourke

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”

-Phyllis Diller

“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.”

-Richard Dawkins

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

-Rita Rudner

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”

-Rodney Dangerfield

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”

-Ron White

“Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.”

-Ronald Reagan

“I consider myself a crayon, I might not be your favorite color but one day you’ll need me to complete your picture.”

-Savannah Highnote

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

-Steve Martin

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”

-Steven Wright

“It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.”

-Thomas Sowell

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”

-W. C. Fields

“A good speech should be like a woman’s skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.”

-Winston Churchill

“I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

-Woody Allen

This article was written by Amit Chowdhry. You can follow me at @amitchowdhry or on Google+ at