43 Amazing Michael Scott Quotes

Michael Scott

Michael Scott is a character from The Office played by Steve Carell. He was the central character in the show and worked as the Regional Manager of the Scranton branch of paper company Dunder Mifflin. He was on the show from season 1-7. What made Scott so great was his quotes on the show. Below are 43 of the best Michael Scott quotes:

“And you know what’s gonna be on your tombstone? ‘Loser.'”

“Between the sheets, we were like Jordan and Pippen.”

“Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?”

“Hate to see you leave, but love to watch you go. ‘Cause of your butt.”

“Hi. I’m Michael Scott. I’m in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I’m also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, “If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.” And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.”

“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”

“I’m friends with everybody in this office. We’re all best friends. I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late and start having dentist appointments that aren’t dentist appointments, and that is when it’s nice to let them know that you could beat them up.”

“It’s a pimple Phyllis. Avril Lavigne gets them all the time, and she rocks harder than anyone alive.”

“I am dead inside.”

“I am downloading some N3P music.”

“I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish, sort of a virtual United Nations.”

“I love inside jokes. Love to be a part of one someday.”

“I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It’s like with fireman: You don’t leave your brothers behind. Even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.”

“If a baby were president, there would be no taxes. There would be no war.”

“If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.”

“It’s a good thing Russia doesn’t exist anymore.”

“Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order.”

“My proudest moment here wasn’t when I increased profits by 17 percent, or cut expenditures without losing a single member of staff. No, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy, first job in the country, barely spoke a word of English, but he came to me and said, ‘Mr. Scott, will you be the godfather to my child?’ Didn’t work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.”

“Nobody likes beets, Dwight. You should grow something everybody does like. You should grow candy.”

“Occasionally, I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.”

“Only thing that could make this day better is ice cream.”

“Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, ‘Hey man, I love you this many dollars-worth.'”

“Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.”

“Should have burned this place down when I had the chance.”

“Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney, because grief isn’t wrong. There’s such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.”

“SWAG! Stuff We All Get.”

“That’s what she said.”

“The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That’s what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um, yes, in a way. Yeah, like a specialist.”

“The worst thing about prison was–was the Dementors.”

“Then suddenly, she’s not your ho no mo’!”

“There are five stages to grief, which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And right now, out there, they’re all denying the fact that they’re sad. And that’s hard. And it’s making them all angry. And it is my job to try to get them all the way through to acceptance. And if not acceptance, then just depression. If I can get them depressed, then I’ll have done my job.”

“Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. ‘What is Diwali?’ you may ask. Well, to have Kelly explain it, ‘It’s blah, blah, blah, blah. It’s so super fun, and it’s gonna be great!’ Lot of gods with unpronounceable names. Twenty minutes later, you find out that it is essentially a Hindu Halloween.”

“Welcome back, jerky jerk-face.”

“Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party is so lame.”

“Well, just tell him to call me ASAP as possible.”

“WHERE ARE THE TURTLES?!”

“Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.”

“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”

“Would have been nice to work with my family. It would have been nice if Luke had been able to stay here. But he couldn’t. These things seldom work out. I don’t know how Ringling Brothers do it. Night after night, town after town, all across America. You would think they’d be sick of each other by now. But, clearly, they make it work. And my hat’s off to them.”

“Yes, money has been a little tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I’m sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I’m going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money-wise.”

“You know how they say, ‘Take a chill pill.’ In Jamaica, I took one. Guy at the beach sold it to me for forty dollars. After I finished vomiting, I was more relaxed than I ever have been. Lost six pounds too. That’s how I want every day to be.”

“You know what they say. ‘Fool me once, strike one, but fool me twice… strike three.'”

“You may look around you and see two different groups of people. Whiter collar… Blue collar… But I don’t see it that way. You know why not? Because I am ‘collar blind.'”

This article was written by Amit Chowdhry. You can follow me at @amitchowdhry or on Google+ at